Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Villain Edit

An ABC executive stares at a wall of monitors and slams down her glass of whiskey. She toggles between various angles of cameras hidden inside the Estates at Vidanta, Discover the best luxury vacationing has to offer. She calls in her assistant and points at the screens: “What are they doing? Why are they just lying there? It looks like Genevieve is just passively letting a mimosa fall into her mouth. Lace is spending all her time watching Lars von Trier films and muttering, ‘I wish that was me.’ What the hell is happening here! I gave them Olu! I gave them Rick! That guy was in frickin’ Thor!!”

Her assistant meekly looks up from the ground and wipes a tear from her eye, “Ma’am … I think they’re being loyal to their partners.” The ABC executive picks up her glass, gulps the last bit of whiskey, and throws it against the wall.

“THAT’S NOT WHAT FUCKING PARADISE IS ABOUT!!” She takes a second to collect herself and smooths her lapel. “Fine. Fine. If we can’t get them to cheat on each other, we’ll get them to cry and make a woman appear hysterical for having a very reasonable emotional reaction to the guy she likes going on a date. Send in Latent Anxiety and Concern Executor …the LACE.”

Let’s get to it.

Production has absolutely no idea what we want anymore. Michael and Danielle strolled back on the beach after the Casa de No More (how does that sound? I’m still workshopping it) twist and I realized that these two persons of mature age would be exempt from the split. I am absolutely furious. I don’t want this. Am I supposed to be rooting for Rodney to fall in love with Eliza while his girlfriend (admittedly of three full business days) is crying her eyes out? How dare production turn dear sweet gentle Rodney into a villain!! Yeah, that’s right, I said it! This is the behavior of a villain! I don’t want this!

The original, haggard, tired-ass bitches finally make their way to the vans to take them to the Estates across town. This is a cursed van ride. This is the van ride home from your speech-and-debate tournament when no one placed. Meanwhile, the extremely hot new women have decided that they’re going to unhinge their jaws and swallow these men whole. A woman whose face I’ve never seen before and seen one thousand times, Kate, says that she’s here to drink margaritas and talk to boys. Can’t fucking argue with that.

Let’s check in on the Palace of Misery. Serene and Victoria are trying their best to look on the bright side of the situation: bathrooms, air-conditioning, time with your best gals. Somewhere in the distance, thunder claps like the ass cheeks that are about to be clapped back on the beach, and Jill says, “Foreboding.”

Jacob and Rodney have decided that they are going to dive in with these new women at the pool party. Logan is trying to rationalize making out with someone else and he eventually settles on, “Well, Shanae kissed another guy before so I get to make out with as many women as I want.” Brandon makes sure that everyone is hydrated and has a ride home. Jacob heads to the hot tub with Kate and they make out so hard that Jacob has to wait until his boner goes away to walk back to the resort. None of that took long at all.

Elsewhere on a palapa, Rodney is chatting with Eliza and he is touching her thigh a lot. At one point, he grabs her hip while they’re sitting down. Someone should have just sent Lace a note in the Estates so she could have made out with one of the new guys in peace.

None of the women at the Casa de No More are angry enough for me. Everyone is full-body weeping about a guy they met probably five days ago. Lace is saying she could see herself getting engaged to Rodney and falling in love outside of this. That’s the absolute wrong order for that and you just met him. Jill is saying that she wanted to spend the week showing Jacob her vulnerable side. Is “vulnerable side” code for “pussy”? Because I don’t think he’s interested in anything else. None of these women should be crying because there’s nothing to cry about.

The only man I care about on this beach right now is Brandon, who is sad that this is the longest that he’s been apart from Serene. The longest time before this was four hours. Let Serene out of isolation. Reunite her with her true love.

Jesse gathers the women in the timeshare living room to tell them they won’t be alone here at the Estates. He calls in FIVE OF THE ABSOLUTE HOTTEST DUDES THAT HAVE EVER GRACED THIS FRANCHISE. Olu? Rick?? Alex (from Rachel Lindsay’s season)??? Tyler (who I am weirdly attracted to. Is he five-foot-six? Doesn’t matter, I’m into that little New Jersey devil)???? And a guy who LITERALLY PLAYED A SHIRTLESS GREEK GOD IN THOR: LOVE & THUNDER??????????? These should have been the first men on the beach. These are the money bets. You put them on top.

The old decrepit women are cheerful for exactly 15 minutes while they play “Never Have I Ever” with the new male hotties and gently dance in the pool. Brittany is very into Tyler, but she’s wondering what Andrew is doing back on the beach. Jessenia and Andrew are chatting on a palapa, and he’s saying he doesn’t want to hurt anyone or lead anyone on and he’s a “semi-relationship kinda guy” where it’s only one person at a time for him. He knows that Brittany is the same way. SMASH CUT to Brittany and Tyler making out in the pool.

The next day in Paradise, Michael and Danielle are still on the beach together, so I guess this twist doesn’t apply to you if you’re being protected by producer armor. Like the women of Paradise who have noted it on Twitter, I can’t wait for whatever ABC-approved Bachelor-adjacent project Michael A starts after this. Just remember, all it took was one successful Paradise run to secure Nick Viall’s place as The Bachelor.

Logan is saying he doesn’t want to mess up his relationship with Shanae and he’s not looking for more dates. This is a new lesson he’s learned. He says that he knows Shanae is feeling the same way. SMASH CUT to Shanae getting a date card and asking Tyler out. I hope this teeny little Ferris wheel operator kisses every woman in the Casa de No More. They deserve it. Let’s just skip Tyler and Shanae’s date — it’s your standard-issue sexy yoga and they spend 40 percent of it making out. And we’ve got to skip it so we have time to set the stage for Jill’s impending breakdown.

Jacob and Kate are straddling each other on the beach as the rest of the guys watch in approval, and Kate finally brings up that Jacob is basically in a relationship with Jill. Jacob says that he’s never woken up thinking about Jill and he only wakes up thinking about Kate. My brother in Keto, it’s been one day. Jacob making out with Kate and saying “You’re not doing anything wrong, and I’m not either” — it’s as if these men do not realize that the cameras all around them are actually filming something that other humans will later see. I’m not saying that you aren’t allowed to fall for someone else or be attracted to them, but maybe tone it down on the dry humping and declarations of love before you get a chance to talk to your first girlfriend. Meanwhile, Jill is weeping in bed, touching her crystals and begging for mercy. Later, Jill incoherently rambles and completely cock-blocks Tyler and Shanae. I’m rooting for Shanae to get laid. What has come over me?

Let’s check in with some of the other couples separated by distance and production. Aaron has decided that he wants to be a good guy and is going to respect Genevieve. Sarah and Logan head out on a date, and Logan allows himself to make out with the hot girl wearing a bathing-suit bottom that looks like a maxi pad and two pieces of yarn. Jessenia pulls Andrew aside to give him a heart-shaped pizza with one slice of jalapeño because she’s Latina and likes it a little spicy. They realize that they’re both huuuuuge nerds but no one can see that because they’re both super-hot and have amazing bodies. Jessenia likes video games! Andrew realizes he can start to open up to her and be vul– oh, oh no, they’re making out in an outdoor shower with their clothes on.

Rodney and Eliza head out on a date and this is so cute. They’re so smitten with each other but man, oh man, I wish this was all above board. No one in the control room is calibrating how we should be feeling about this. Lace has decided that she’s had enough of this bullshit and wants to see Rodney again. Before she gets to the beach, though, Wells decides to tell everyone on the beach, who do not know Lace well at all, that she’s basically mentally unstable and Hurricane Lace is coming for them all. No one is putting any boundaries on Wells and he needs a couple. Lace walks through the service hallway of the Estates and gets in an SUV to confront Rodney. She arrives at the resort and starts asking questions that no one can answer. Questions like “Where is Rodney?” and “What is he doing?”

The men absolutely refuse to answer her questions in any way that uses human language to relay information. She asks what Rodney’s mood has been like and they say, “What question are you asking exactly?” Lace asks if Rodney misses her and the guys say, “Objection! Speculation.” Brandon asks if the other women are coming back no fewer than 15 times. He misses his wife so badly. Rodney and Eliza stand at the top of the stairs and talk about how emotional and amazing their date has been and how today is the first day of the rest of their lives toget– oh no, Lace can see them! Run!

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